Finally, the mental clarity to put something in writing. Even so, where do I start. I'm sure it's going to be dreadfully serious and earnest.

I am thankful to God for placing me here in Ottawa. I don't think about this thankfulness or talk about it much but when I pause, sit still, do nothing and really reflect, I am truly thankful. But I am not always thankful. Lately I find myself irritable and short. Everything within me has become intensified it seems. Here is my rational for why I am this way right now - besides the first several months of marriage, I don't think any time of my life has been as difficult as this one and it has become a terrible temptation to forget that all is sent by God.

Without at doubt all of this has been sent by God.

Moving to a new city, worshipping with a community that just moved, death, being a student once again and not enough time with Cheryl. How can I be thankful?

An example.

I think back to the first night Papa John's body was in the middle of the nave, his feet pointing toward the altar with the giant cross standing between his body and the altar, the crucified Christ looking with compassion on his servant. Deacon Gregory was going to come and read the Psalms over Papa John's body. He was late in showing up and I asked his brother Jon if I could start without him and let Deacon Greg take over when he arrived. Jon said that would be great. So I began to read the Psalms. As it turned out - and God bless him for making this decision - Deacon Greg needed to be with his family that night. I ended up reading the Psalms by myself. To my left was Father John's body, arrayed in paschal vestments laying in peaceful repose, his hands holding the cross and a prayer rope. I stood and read the Psalms out the Bible Papa John gave to me a few months earlier. Never have the Psalms lived so vividly. Somehow, God moved me to thankfulness, even in the face of death.

Psalm 149:1 Praise the LORD! Sing to the LORD a new song, his praise in the assembly of the
faithful. 2 Let Israel be glad in its Maker; let the children of Zion rejoice in their King. 3 Let them praise his name with dancing,
making melody to him with tambourine and lyre. 4 For the LORD
takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with victory. 5 Let the faithful exult in glory; let
them sing for joy on their couches. 6 Let the high praises of God be in their throats and two-edged
swords in their hands, 7 to execute vengeance on the nations and punishment on the peoples, 8 to
bind their kings with fetters and their nobles with chains of iron, 9 to execute on them the judgment
decreed. This is glory for all his faithful ones. Praise the LORD!

Psalm 150:1 Praise the LORD! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty
firmament! 2 Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his surpassing greatness! 3
Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp! 4 Praise him with tambourine and
dance; praise him with strings and pipe! 5 Praise him with clanging cymbals; praise him with loud
clashing cymbals! 6 Let everything that breathes praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!


I look at these words again and even now I choke back tears and feel a deep thankfulness to our Heavenly Father for the life of Igumen John Scratch - devoted spiritual father, husband, father, grandfather. We liturgical read these Psalms at times when we celebrate the resurrection but it was not until now that these words gained a luminous quality. God is beginning to be more clear to me because of Papa John.

On one occasion, a few days after a brief conversation with Papa John in which he got a bit heated, Papa John asked me to see him in the sacristy after Vespers. He prostrated himself before me and asked me to forgive him. "I must have hurt you terribly my child," he said. I had no response. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to pick him up off the floor but I just stood there utterly humbled. When he got up I asked for a blessing and he hugged me.

"For the LORD takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with victory."